Living in a new place, new friends, new WORLD.

Entering this small town, with such small circle of friends can be a little bit destructive. Being a new member of this small family, plenty of mind manipulation has been forced upon me, to actually 'choose your friends wisely'. Some were said hypocrites, and those who made the accusation themselves are hypocrites, which has forced me to become a hypocrite too. Probably people do not have any better things to do, besides talking behind someone's back, without confronting them. This, i'm referring to both sides of the football field.  I maybe new to this environment, but i am definitely not new in this such poisonous atmosphere. Sometimes, certain things are better said to the person that you have a feud/misunderstanding, confront them, rather than talk behind our backs, and telling the world, you are the only victim in this wonderful picture. If I have a problem with someone, I tell that particular someone the truth, and "let's settle this with more civilised way", rather than ranting like a child on a blog which you can easily manipulate the truth!!! It's not that big of deal, people!!! We were born with mouth and ears to TALK and LISTEN looongggg before this technology has been created!!! You got a problem with me, say it to my face. Don't go behind my back telling people you've been victimized. Enough that you did with the others (which thanks to you, now I believe them), and now you wanna mess around me too??

 I'll be the bigger person.

And you'll be looking like fool.


Am just saying!

Cheers!

I will forever, and ever, hold my peace.

You said that I might have turned into an ice queen.

You said that I've closed up too soon.

You said that you care for me, and you dont want me to regret the mistakes that I am about to make.
But dear, you will never know, that it was you that I have always been waiting for.



It was an overwhelming ride home tonight. I cried the moment we parted, and headed our separate ways. At first I did not know why I was so sad while I listen to the radio, driving home. But I know this feeling, it is not foreign to me, but I havent felt this feeling for quite a while now. It is a feeling of a broken heart, and knowing that I will never see you again.

It was not easy listening to you, saying that I am so much like her. That she was once as guarded as I am now. You said you were so persistent with her, to make her understand who you really are. While I have known you so well, as much as you know me. When you answered my question, and said that you are sure that she is the one, how I wish that person is me. You said I pushed people away, and did not give anyone a chance to get to know me. But all this while, I did open my heart to this one person. But he never did see me the way I wanted him to. And that person was you.

I understand, there's nothing much I can do. I believe that you have made the right choice by choosing her. Therefore I say this now, and say it to the rest of the world... I will forever, and ever, hold my peace, and hope that both of you will live happily ever after.

Certain things are better left unsaid...

Why are you telling me now???

What do you expect me to do??? 

Dont expect me to be a home wrecker... it's your own problem that you have to deal with, NOT MINE!!!

These are the words that I wish to tell that someone after he told me that he used to have feelings for me, when he is actually now engaged to be married.

 I wonder what he's thinking, what is he hoping from me to say? All I can say is, "It is the past!!! You are now engaged to be married!!! Don't you get it??? Get a grip on your reality, man!!"

This is one of the downfall of being single. People would think that we are emotionally available, but they have forgotten that they themselves are not! You would feel that your status of being single is being exploited by those guys who are already in a relationship with other women. Couples in love, engaged, or even married. The number one trap that you must never fall into is whenever they say, "I miss talking to you....I miss the experience that we used to share together...." which happens almost everytime when they had a fight with their girlfriends, fiancee or wife. The fact that you are single, lures them to come to you, and say all the forbidden words from an 'unavailable' man.

This would be the time when you, the victim, would think, "He is apparently not happy with his other half..." and somehow, when you innitially forbid yourself from being emotionally available for this man, you begin to break the taboo. And that is when you fall deeply into the neverending snake pit.

At first, as a friend, you talk on the phone while he expresses his troubled mind.. then you start to have lunch/dinner where conversations are much easily engaged... and suddenly, his other half will start to be suspicious of your relationship. That is, if, he told her that he has been contacting you all this while. And so the word 'scandal' begins to rise which later leads to an 'affair' and finally 'the cause of breaking their relationship, home wrecker, the 'other woman', the bitch/slut'.

After all these years, he had to choose when he is engaged to be married, to tell me how he felt about me back then. Though we agreed not to mention this to each other ever again, but I am dead sure, that whatever friendship that we have all these while has been tainted by his 'confession'. I begin to question his sincerity, his integrity.... for all the gestures he did for me, was it all because he had feelings for me? Astonishingly, he said he was indifferent with me all this while, because of the burden that he has been carrying deep inside. He would think that after his 'confession' towards 'self-healing', his conscience would be clear. Well, he is wrong. Now my conscience about him is not clear, and thanks to him, I choose to be indifferent towards him in return, and our friendship will never be the same. For the sake of my own reputation, as my status of being single is seen as my biggest 'alibi' (and I don't even care about whether he is in a bad relationship or what, he has made his decision when asked her hand for marriage) , I choose to stay away from further confliction. 

Dear fellow females, be aware and be careful. Sometimes it is his fault to begin with, for falling for you while he is already in a relationship with another woman, but the end result will somehow turn the arrow around, which will point to you, as the devil. Don't let your feelings cloud your judgement.

Wrong timing for Bieber Fever (or whatever you want to call it).

It was an absolute agony, I tell ya. 

Driving to work, I listen to just one particular radio station, because I need a 'pick-me-up' before I begin 'life' at work. But waddya know, they were playing Bieber songs one after another, apparently since they started their show at 6am. It was 7.30 at the time, it takes me 20-30 minutes to get to work with plus/minus traffic jam and dealing with inconsiderate drivers. It is bad enough to have such routine frustration, but must my ears tolerate this kind of nonsense as well? 

Absolute - agony.

They were trying to get the Biebs in town, by getting as much votes? love notes? on "His Majesty's" facebook page in order to grab his attention and make the teenage royalty to want to come to the country and have a concert here. So promo begins, and during my 'tolerance' of still listening to the station, there was only ONE caller - which is a mother of a hardcore teenage fan - a boy pulak tu! 

Now, these radio dudes actually said :

"right now people are on their way to work, and probably when they have reached their destination, they will start calling us". 

WHAT THE HELL???

WE, the people who are driving to work, don't give a crap about your Bieber. Your target crowd is actually TEENAGERS. Not us, the ADULTS! 

 I mean, this is coming from the radio celebs whom actually always making fun of Justin Bieber whenever one of you mention his name! And now you're trying to spread the Bieber Influenza on us, by playing Bieber's songs back to back? (which I realised his voice is actually getting more and more like a girl or even a baby as you played the order of his singles backwards, I guess those hormones she's taking work after all). 

Guys, if you need votes or love notes I hear? - from Bieber fans,  

PLEASE, you are actually doing it at the wrong time.  

"His Highness'" fans are actually at school right now - primary, secondary, or even preschool/kindergartens.  So why not spare us the agony, and JUST WAIT for 'after school hours' to do this stunt of yours by playing Bieber's. Not during rush hours, brotha!! Now, thanks to you lovely dudes, most of us, responsible adults, who are highly dependant on your updiddy whoopdiddy show to begin our work positively, are now raged, 'serabut', and TOTALLY not in a good mood.  You made me change the channel/station, for goodness sake! It may not be a big-of-a-deal to some people, but it is to me, because I never listen to other station's morning show - yes, I am THAT of a fan. 

You dissapoint me. Tsk Tsk Tsk....

Oblivion : the state of being completely forgotten or unknown

Woke up with a wishful thinking.

"Today will be a better day for me....

today whatever I do matters to someone...

today people will care that I am alive...".

But trying to trick your heart full of dark emotions with wishful thinking does not always work according to desire. Which, brings me back to the same feeling again.

"Today will be THE day for me...

today whatever I do, I am crossing into oblivion...

today no one will care that I am dead...".

Last night I contemplated with myself, "what should I wear tomorrow?". Should I wear something colourful and cheerful, to again, trick myself into a positive mood? But after having to psych my own feelings with boastful thinking, I chose the best yet attire to go with the theme. Black, head to toe.

I left home 5 minutes early, hoping not to bump into anyone and forcing myself to smile and greet everyone, just to trick them that I am as quirky as I had always been, which they wish to think. Though the traffic jam was unbearable, I used those times of immobility to stare into my dark future, while I mourn for my misfortune of depression and loneliness.

I arrived at soon-to-be a 'crime scene'. Alas, I had to walk side by side with another person as we walked into the building. Giving a false smile and making conversation, this person was just another one of my victims of my magician skills. Yes, I tricked her for making her think that I am relatively positive today, despite my black attire, which she did not notice at all.

Handicapped from being oblivious to the naked eyes of passerby, my earlier desire to miss the crowd had now became just another fretful outcome. Great, more witnesses to be questioned by the police later. I gave my false smile again, one last time.

"Hello...", 

"Good morning..", 

"How are you?"... 

Those will be the last words they will hear from me.

While unlocking my door, I noticed the corridor was still dark, which means no neighbours of mine will know  whether I am in my room, since I arrived earlier than them. I locked the door behind me.

Sitting at my chair, everything seemed in place. I did not change any of my normal routines. I switched on my computer. Checked my emails. Log on to my social network site. I did not even turn off my phone, just to minimize the suspicion if people suddenly find out that I am not reachable. Not that my phone even rang for the past one week. My phone's battery isn't even weak. The two texts I received this week were just from the phone company, auto-updating their promotions. The only people who would know I am 'still around' are my networking 'friends'. They can see I am online from the chatbar. But they never bother to say hi. Probably they would think I am busy with whatever I am doing. But I sure think that 'we don't care' is the most likable answer for me.

Now, after talking about the storyline from morning, it is time for me to think, why have I made this decision? Is it because my daily routine had always been the same, going home alone with only the television as my friend, and wake up in the morning with a big sigh unwillingly facing another routine again? Is it because my birthday this year is the only one that missed out from the norm custom of birthday celebrations among colleagues, which for the past birthdays, I contributed my participation? Is it because instead of being part of a 'circle', I constantly have to ask permission to join the same circle, rather than being invited without hesitation? Is it because if some misfortune happens to me, no one will know, unless I tell someone about it? But if I am not the one to tell someone about what happened to me, who will know something had actually happened to me at the end of this day? Is it because no one care whether I am alive or..?

Wow, is that how much people actually despise me?

The decision has made. It will happen at the end of today, in this room. Now all I should do is to figure out which of the things that is available in this room I can use to 'end' my day.