Woke up with a wishful thinking.
"Today will be a better day for me....
today whatever I do matters to someone...
today people will care that I am alive...".
But trying to trick your heart full of dark emotions with wishful thinking does not always work according to desire. Which, brings me back to the same feeling again.
"Today will be THE day for me...
today whatever I do, I am crossing into oblivion...
today no one will care that I am dead...".
Last night I contemplated with myself, "what should I wear tomorrow?". Should I wear something colourful and cheerful, to again, trick myself into a positive mood? But after having to psych my own feelings with boastful thinking, I chose the best yet attire to go with the theme. Black, head to toe.
I left home 5 minutes early, hoping not to bump into anyone and forcing myself to smile and greet everyone, just to trick them that I am as quirky as I had always been, which they wish to think. Though the traffic jam was unbearable, I used those times of immobility to stare into my dark future, while I mourn for my misfortune of depression and loneliness.
I arrived at soon-to-be a 'crime scene'. Alas, I had to walk side by side with another person as we walked into the building. Giving a false smile and making conversation, this person was just another one of my victims of my magician skills. Yes, I tricked her for making her think that I am relatively positive today, despite my black attire, which she did not notice at all.
Handicapped from being oblivious to the naked eyes of passerby, my earlier desire to miss the crowd had now became just another fretful outcome. Great, more witnesses to be questioned by the police later. I gave my false smile again, one last time.
"Hello...",
"Good morning..",
"How are you?"...
Those will be the last words they will hear from me.
While unlocking my door, I noticed the corridor was still dark, which means no neighbours of mine will know whether I am in my room, since I arrived earlier than them. I locked the door behind me.
Sitting at my chair, everything seemed in place. I did not change any of my normal routines. I switched on my computer. Checked my emails. Log on to my social network site. I did not even turn off my phone, just to minimize the suspicion if people suddenly find out that I am not reachable. Not that my phone even rang for the past one week. My phone's battery isn't even weak. The two texts I received this week were just from the phone company, auto-updating their promotions. The only people who would know I am 'still around' are my networking 'friends'. They can see I am online from the chatbar. But they never bother to say hi. Probably they would think I am busy with whatever I am doing. But I sure think that 'we don't care' is the most likable answer for me.
Now, after talking about the storyline from morning, it is time for me to think, why have I made this decision? Is it because my daily routine had always been the same, going home alone with only the television as my friend, and wake up in the morning with a big sigh unwillingly facing another routine again? Is it because my birthday this year is the only one that missed out from the norm custom of birthday celebrations among colleagues, which for the past birthdays, I contributed my participation? Is it because instead of being part of a 'circle', I constantly have to ask permission to join the same circle, rather than being invited without hesitation? Is it because if some misfortune happens to me, no one will know, unless I tell someone about it? But if I am not the one to tell someone about what happened to me, who will know something had actually happened to me at the end of this day? Is it because no one care whether I am alive or..?
Wow, is that how much people actually despise me?
The decision has made. It will happen at the end of today, in this room. Now all I should do is to figure out which of the things that is available in this room I can use to 'end' my day.
